The Death of a Marathon Dream

Or is it the beginning of a bigger and better dream … well only time will tell.

This weekend was the long awaited Rock n Roll Savannah Half Marathon. It was cool because it was my third Rock n Roll this year (and my eighth half marathon this year), but it was even cooler because it was going to be an awesome meet and greet for a group of MFP friends. Yep, I was finally going to meet some of the awesome people who I have called friends (albeit sometimes imaginary) for the last year. I was super duper psyched … was gonna PR and have a great time.

But fate has a way of catching up with you. Sure set your goals big, but just make sure they are realistic. I have been nursing one injury or another since August … and when I say nursing what I really mean is flinching while I run through them without taking time off. The left leg quad strain had been getting worse, so I sought the advice of a great physical therapist. She diagnosed with very weak left side include hip muscles and glutes. We also talked about cadence and stride and determined that my cadence is way too slow and that I needed work on fundamentals. She strongly advised that I take a few weeks off running. But, being me (and being stubborn) I ignored her requests.

Rock N Roll St. Louis was 2 weeks ago, and it was a great HILLY race. Despite all of the hills, I finished 3 mins off my PR and I was happy with my performance. My leg pain went away at mile 4 and I felt better at mile 10 then I did at mile 3, surely a sign that these injuries weren’t serious and were all in my head. So onward I pushed … but last week despite vigilantly doing my PT exercises, my leg was NOT getting better, and in fact if I was being honest it was getting worse. I know was unable to walk without a quite noticeable increase in pain and an increase in limp.

I finally decided I had enough, and scheduled another ortho appt. She was wonderful and listened to everything, assessed me, and agreed with my diagnosis of a quad strain. She said I could run as long as the pain went away when I ran … that afternoon I had another PT appt. This PT appt was like an intervention. Two PTs attacked me (my usual and another PT who is a runner and a triathlete) and begged me to take time off. I finally relented and agreed that after this race on Saturday I would take 2.5 weeks off, with the next time I ran seriously being Thanksgiving, provided the pain went away.

But in my head, I still thought I could get away with the marathon in January. I could just push through it because I REALLY didn’t believe I needed to take time off. I thought I would show them … Savannah was going to be a great race and would PROVE that I was right.

Except I wasn’t! Don’t get me wrong, Savannah was a great race. Standing there with my MFP peeps before the race started, excitedly chatting. Seeing Mama J (FztFrog’s mom) cheering us on on the sidelines, and the people were SOOO nice. But what wasn’t nice, the pain in my leg. It hurt when I walked --- it hurt when I ran --- it hurt all of the time and it just kept getting worse and worse. I was actually in tears at mile 3 wondering if I was even going to be able to finish. I decided that since it did not hurt for the first 15 seconds of any activity (walking or running) I was going to change my intervals to 30 sec run and 30 sec walk. It was weird… but it allowed me to finish. Did I set a PR, nope not even close … but I finished with the exact same time at STL so I consider this is a victory. I had a great time with great people … in a great city.

The night before the race, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror. Not only was I limping, but my whole trunk had to sway wildly to the left side to compensate for the weakness of that leg. In the Savannah airport, I must have been limping badly because literally the courtesy shuttle pulled up next to me and asked if I needed a ride. I don’t need no damn ride (but thanks for asking)… Im a half marathoner!

I said I would base my decision about the marathon on how this race went … and it was a disaster. My body is screaming for me to listen – and I think I finally am. I have cancelled the Disney marathon (for now) … and changed to the half. I have a busy race schedule next year (with another couple of awesome MFP half marathon meet ups planned) and while I think I could finish the marathon … Im NOT trained enough and I think it would miserable. Plus I just wanna enjoy running again and just not be soo worried about everything.

So the marathon will just have to wait until 2013 … maybe by then we can make it an awesome MFP meet up (anyone … anyone… ). Im ok with this decision… really I am. And tomorrow (which would normally be a run day) will start the running sabbatical. I promise to do my PT exercise, my stretching, my swimming, and my yoga and not complain (too much) about it. But … if you love me can you remind me of this in about 1 week when I am BEGGING to run again. T minus 14 days until I can run 2 miles … T minus 16 days until I can run 5 miles … yes I have already started the countdown! 

Here Comes a Breakthrough...

Anytime you wanna do something new, it’s gonna be scary right? Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail, but we always try our best. So when Coach informed me that this weekend he wanted me to run 15 miles, I initially was freaked out. I have never run that far, and I have no running partner this weekend. I was all alone and yet facing a challenge I had never faced before. Couple that with the variable pain in my leg and I was almost in a panic last night. And then someone posted on my wall … that just 2 more miles than what you went the last 2 weekend. Your right, why freak myself out over nothing. Sure there are people around me during the half marathons, but I also generally run alone. Although the people help, in the end it’s ME who pushes ME!

So with this in mind, I set my route last night, packed my stuff, and decided on my clothes (temp of 33 degrees – planned to increase to 45 by run end). I got up the morning, ate my breakfast, and off I went to the park that started my route. I got there, started to pack my belt and realized I forgot my Chomps (fuel). I looked through my bag and found 2 half packets. I thought long and hard and decided I had to go back to the house to get them because it wouldn’t be enough. And I was NOT failing this run because of fueling issues.

So finally after my return trip home… I was ready to start. The first few miles were just painful. I don’t have any other words for it; it takes a while for the leg to loosen up. But despite not feeling great, my miles times were pretty decent. At mile 4 the leg started to loosen up a little bit and it was off to the part of the run with a new trail. The trail went up and down … and up and down… and up and down. Mile 5 I stopped to stretch out my leg a bit and I noticed I was really, really thirsty. This is a very bad sign for me because I get dehydrated very easy. I drank an entire 8oz bottle of G2 and I felt better. The trail ended and mile 6.5 and it was off to the return I went. My speed had lowered quite a bit, and I was just dragging a bit (and I don’t really know why). Mile 8 was one of the worst ones. At mile 9 the trail ended … and I stopped at a Shopko to get more G2. Despite packing 32oz of G2 I was down only 8oz left. At Shopko I literally drank an entire 20oz bottle and then refilled my bottles.

After leaving the Shopko, my leg had tightened up a little bit. I was limping a bit too … I started to give mental thoughts to myself like … oh you can’t do it, maybe you should quit, what were you thinking? I had posted to MFP that I was on mile 9 when I first arrived at Shopko … I stopped for a second and looked at all of the great msgs on my profile page and I KNEW I could do this. I won’t say the next mile was completed in a time I was proud of… but it was completed. Mile 11 was much better. At mile 12ish I realized that all was left was a turn for home. Unfortunately I had planned this route poorly… the entire trip back home except for the last ¾ of a mile … was uphill. The park that I started is on a hill … so in order to get back to the park, yep you guessed it, I have to go up the hill.

I started off for home and just tried to focus on running … a consistent running pace, who cares if its slow at least I am running. When I got to the biggest hill at mile 13.8 I just had to walk up it, I didn’t see the point in killing myself. Just over the hill and over the 14 mile mark … the oddest song came on my iPod. I have never heard this song before… I believe it’s a Disney band called Lemonade Mouth. The lyrics are listed below…. (please read it’s inspiring).

(Here we go)
Sometimes it's raising your voice
Sometimes it's making some noise
Sometimes it's proving to the world it was wrong

Whenever you can't see the light
Whenever there's no end in sight
Keep on, keep on moving on
Keep on moving on

Here comes a breakthrough, here comes a day
Here comes a moment that you gotta go for it
So don't let it get away
It's time I breakthrough
Just turn the page
Cause everyday I'm getting closer
Life is just a roller coaster

Stop, still take another breath
Road block, move it to the left
Get around whatever is in your way
Heartbreak, pick up all the pieces
Don't stop dancin' in the bleachers
It's gonna be your turn to play
Gonna be your turn to play

Sometimes it's raising your voice
Sometimes it's making some noise
Sometimes it's proving to the world it was wrong

Whenever you can't see the light
Whenever there's no end in sight (Here we go)
Keep on, keep on moving on
Keep on moving on

Here comes a breakthrough, here comes a day
Here comes a moment that you gotta go for it
So don't let it get away
It's time I breakthrough
Just turn the page
Cause everyday I'm getting closer
Life is just a roller coaster

I am not a crier or an emotional person… but this brought literally tears to my eyes (and still does as I type this). I played that song over and over until I had finished the 15 miles … with tears in my eyes.

Holy crap… I finished all 15 miles. I was even able to run the entire last ½ mile including another hill without STOPPING. I was NOT stopping for anything! Tears are streaming down my face … and I’m doing my best to not make it obvious. Here comes a breakthrough… OMG yes! One year ago I was 27 pounds heavier and DREAMING of finishing the 5 mile Turkey Trot race.

I may not be the fastest, or have the best form, or even LOOK like a runner… but I am my own type of runner. I am me, and me just finished 15 miles today. Coach planned on 4 hours for the activity, and I even beat that and finished it in 3:41. Ok, I’m sure someone is going to think I am tremendously slow… and I am! My goal for the marathon is to finish… period!

Thank you to everyone for all of the support through this journey. I am sore, and I got to have my first ice bath today (quite miserable)! My blister held up but it’s not too pretty, and my leg got totally better during the run again. My right hamstring is super tight and painful and I don’t know why … I guess these things just happen!

But none of this matters because … I finished 15 freaking miles! 

Finally ... (my sixth half marathon)...

Today was the day of my SIXTH half marathon. Last week I was sick with pneumonia, and hadn’t run much in the week leading up to the race, so I wasn’t expecting anything too great. In fact, I secretly feared I wouldn’t even be able to finish the race.

You see, about 4 weeks ago I had a disastrous race. I was trained and ready … and got a bit of a stomach bug prior to the race and threw up twice during the race. Sure people cheered me on for even finishing, but I hated how I felt during that race. I didn’t feel strong; it felt like every mile was a struggle just to survive. At the end it certainly did not feel like I could have kept running; and that scared me because I am in the middle of marathon training. Everything I wanted out of that race, I didn’t get.

So yeah I wasn’t expecting much with the race today. Add to that, the weather was terrible. The weatherman called it a “blustery” day … 20-25mph sustained winds predicted for the entire race and the temp not expected to pass 45 degrees. Brrrr, makes me cold just thinking about it. And this was a trail run (my first ever) with like 10 miles of the race being on a trail.

I struggled mightily with what to wear! I have never wished I had more clothes on during a race, because I heat up pretty quickly. But dang, it was cold and very windy so I didn’t know what to do. My running partner was wearing 3 layers (a long sleeve tech shirt, a thin jacket, and a vest) so she thought I was darn crazy when I announced “I promise you I will cross the finish line in just my t-shirt and capris!” I did buy a cheap sweatshirt that I could throw away … and I made my own arm warmers out of knee socks.

Early this morning we got up, and drove 45 minutes to the race. As we got out of the car, I was shaking and shivering and started to second guess my clothing choices, but I just told myself “you never wish you had more clothing, you will be fine.” The line for the port-a-potty was LONG and I was running later than I wanted to be. I am quickly throwing up my fuel belt and stuffing my pack AS I am walking to the start line.

And we are off… and directly into the wind. Holy buckets, it is cold! First mile and I am feeling ok … second mile I feel like I am running through quicksand… third mile not much better. Oh no, I start freaking out. See, I can’t do this … this race is going to be another disaster. I pick a person in front of me and I try to focus on passing her. We jockey a few times, and finally I am able to pass her up. I settle down a little bit, until I see my mile split. It’s like 30 seconds off where I usually am at this point. Oh crap! This is going to be the slowest run of my life if I am that slow down, I usually only get slower from here. I try to push down the panic building inside me.

At mile 4 I find this amazing couple. They would run fast for about 1-2 minutes, but then walk slow. I would concentrate on trying to pass them every time I ran. It was working … next mile split was right about where it should be. I settle down and decide to stop worrying about time so much. I mean, after all, coach had reminded me that this is “just a training run not a race” because I have a bigger goal in mind. I stick with these guys until literally about mile.

About mile 5 I start to feel like I am running through quicksand again… so I realize I have not taken any salt tabs, so I take one. Within a few minutes I am feeling strong again.

At mile 6 I realize that I feel as good at mile 6 as I did at mile 1. This is pretty exciting to me. At mile 8 I realize I still feel as good as I did at mile 6. This is even more exciting to me. I focus on trying to keep the run intervals constant, matching my songs to the pace of my clodding foot paces. Somewhere around this time the Biggest Loser Theme Song Remix comes on my iPod “what have done today, to make ya feel proud?” blares out my speakers.

Mile 9 as we are crossing a footbridge, an odd rock song that I don’t usually listen to comes on. It’s by some band called Runner, Runner and the song is called Unstoppable. “We are, we are … oh a whoa, we’re unstoppable!” I giggle, as this is a pretty fitting song.

Breathing is going well, not nearly as much coughing as I expected – but my poor nose is running like crazy. Seriously, I must have had to do a million farm blows (and of course I always look around before I do) because I have no Kleenex and my sweatshirt and arm warmers were tossed a long time ago.

Do I have any pain? Sure … I have various moving pains. My hips flexors are a bit tight, but my quad strain has gotten a lot better to the point I don’t feel it anymore. I have intermittent periformis tightness on the right hand side, but it also goes away. I realize at mile 2 that my shoe is a bit too loose, but I do manage to forget about it after I while (I don’t wanna waste the time to fix it). I had a weird pain on the outside of my right lower leg, but I attribute it to the fact that it’s a trail run. I even remind myself at mile 9 “you are NOT in pain, you ARE tougher than this, and you CAN push through this!”

I hit mile 10 and I realize … I still feel ok. This is pretty much the best I have ever felt at mile 10 … and then mile 11 and I feel ok still. Sure my pace isn’t as fast as it was in the beginning but I’m not feeling like I want to die either.

Somewhere around 11.5 I start I struggle a little bit, and I realize AGAIN it’s been a while since I took a salt tab. I take another one, and I start to improve. I flip back and forth through my iPod trying to find songs that I can match the beat perfectly. I settle on a horribly stupid Katy Perry song Peacock, only because the beat works perfectly with me. But I am back in my groove and I feel like I could for a while. I barely even notice mile 12 and unlike every other race I have done although I was happy to see mile 12, I did NOT feel like I was ready to die…

I see one of my friends up ahead just after the mile marker (she had some GI issues and did not have a banner race for her). This is shocking because she is quite a bit faster than I am. I am very very happy to see her, and she starts coaching me to the finish. I am pushing it hard … she asks how I respond best to coaching. I tell her honestly, just scream and swear at me! She obliges (not sure some of people around me had a sense of humor)… and I pick up the pace. I even have enough for a decent sprint out to the finish … and its over! I cross the finish line and instead of feeling like I wanna pass out, I’m tired but otherwise ok!

This WAS the race I wanted 4 weeks ago. Let’s see 4 weeks ago my goal was to finish the race confidently and strongly, and maybe even feeling like I could have gone another few miles. Well I didn’t get it 4 weeks ago, but I sure got it today.  I felt much, much, much stronger during the middle of the race than I usually do, and certainly much stronger and miles 10 and 11 than I have before. I didn’t WANT to run another couple of mile, but I felt like I COULD have run another couple of miles (well before that last push to the finish of course)! I feel hope that I CAN complete the marathon, well with more training of course.

So the kicker… did I get the PR today… NOPE! I missed it by about 30 seconds… yet in some ways I am happier about this race than I was the day I PR’d. I FELT STRONG and CONSISTANT. In fact if I look at my splits … if I take the extra 20 seconds off my mile 2 and 3 and wouldn’t normally be there (they were artificially slow because of the wind) that would have been a PR! My splits are consistent (with the exception of mile 11 which was horrible, not sure what happened). Heck mile 12 was faster than mile 11 … 6 was faster than 5 and 8 was faster than 7. I had enough for a good strong sprint in at the end.

And best of all… my hydration and fueling was near perfect. This was the first race I did not drink a single drop of water, only G2 and when I was running low on my supply I did get PowerAde from the stations. Mental to myself that when I start to feel sluggish, I really do need salt …. It’s not just all in my head. I took salt tabs at mile 5, 8.5 (was going to wait until 9 but felt like I needed it) and 11.5 (should have taken it at mile 11 probably based on my poor split time)… every single time I took a salt tab I improved. When I finished, I was not dizzy or lightheaded (nor was I during the race). I did not cramp … and following the race I had energy (which is rarely the case). Hydration and fueling is a big battle for me since I don’t have a colon and get dehydrated very quickly. And today, it seems like I got it right!

So the moral of the story… expect the unexpected and stop selling yourself short. It doesn’t matter how fast you run, it’s the size of your heart and how stubborn you are that matters. It’s the time that you put in when you are not racing. And crazy enough, even missing a whole week of running, you body does remember! Thank you to everyone for your messages and support as I slog along on this journey.